It’s so unfair

Miscarriage... something you never want to experience yet so many do! 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage... 1 in 4!!! That is huge but people don’t talk about. Nobody prepares you for that type of pain.

Rewind to September 14th- the day we found out we were going to be parents!! It was a day of JOY, tears, and happiness! A day we had prayed for since we got married! We were only about 3 weeks pregnant so it was a very hard secret to keep while waiting for our first ultrasound. Of course we told our parents around week 4 because we just couldn’t wait any longer!! 

October 17th- Trey’s 34th birthday and our first ultrasound! What a wonderful birthday present for him and of course I kept reminding him of that ♥️ the emotions of seeing our baby on that screen are indescribable! We were measuring 8 weeks and 1 day and were given a due date of May 30th to meet Baby C! 

We could finally share our news with the world! We initially thought we would wait until we knew the gender to tell everyone but that was a secret we just couldn’t keep any longer and I was starting to show very quickly! So we thought why not... they said everything was perfect and healthy! 

We made plans, we bought baby things, we were ready! Of course I was exhausted and nauseous but we were so ready to be parents!

November 13th- The day our lives changes forever.  It was a Wednesday we went to work like we do any other day but around about 8:15 panic would set in. I was a day away from our 12 week appointment so when I started experiencing what I was I knew there was something wrong. I calmly walked to my car and called my husband to tell him I was headed to the ER because I was bleeding. I had no pain so I was trying to think of everything else it could be other than a miscarriage. I tried my best to stay calm has they took my blood and wheeled me to the ultrasound room. 

The tech never said a word... I tried to be positive like maybe that’s just how they do things here maybe she honestly didn’t know. She took us back to our room and said we will get these sent to radiology and the doctor will be in soon to go over them.

I didn’t want to think the worst but the longer we sat there the longer I panicked. I don’t know what my husband was feeling but I know the strength he showed has he held my hand and kept me calm. 

It was probably the longest 45 minutes of my life but the ER doctor finally came in and said the words I will never forget.... “when I looked at your ultrasound I can see your baby but unfortunately there is no heartbeat.” 

The world stopped spinning. I honestly don’t know if he said anything else but I couldn’t stop the tears, the instant pain, the feeling of my heart breaking into a million pieces. All I could do was cling to my husband, my rock, my home! My husband took over from there because he knew I couldn’t. He asked the doctor what happens now? The doctor had already called North Florida’s Women’s Care and they would be expecting us. A kind nurse came and took out my IV and I got dressed. 

I don’t remember walking out of the ER to my car but remember picking up the phone to make the second hardest phone call of the day.... I called my mom. All I could say was we lost our baby and all we could was cry! She said we are on the way! 

We drive over to our doctor’s office which seemed like it was miles away but it was just a parking garage over. I took a deep breath and we walked in. They knew we were coming and they were waiting for us. The ultrasound sound  nurse who had given us our exciting first look at Baby C 4 weeks prior would have to confirm what the hospital told us.... I prayed please let the hospital be wrong but I could tell from the tears in her eyes that they weren’t wrong! She tried her best to find the right words to say but what do you say in a situation like this. Unfortunately my doctor was in surgery do they sent us to meet with my nurse practitioner who was so very kind and went over what had happened. Unfortunately our baby only measured at 8 weeks 6 days so we had lost Baby C 5 days after our first ultrasound but we had no way of knowing because we showed zero signs until 4 weeks later. 

That hit me like a ton of bricks... the past 4 weeks I had continued to be nauseous every day and my stomach continued to get harder and more round. It was hard to understand how this could happen and how there was nothing we could do. Dr. Sundstrom wanted us to keep our appt the next day so he could meet with us. He is so very kind as were all of the staff there! I cannot say enough good things about how the treated us and handle our situation so very delicately. We left the doctor and headed home... walking into our home the first thing you see is our pregnancy announcement sign and the swing sitting in the living room that we would never see this baby sitting in. I don’t know how to describe those feelings over than to say it was like a knife being stabbed into your heart. 

There is nothing that anyone can say that will make this go away but I knew I had to share our devastating news with everyone we love just as we had shared our exciting news weeks prior. I’ll never regret sharing our news on social media at 8 weeks just as I won’t ever regret posting about miscarriage. People don’t talk about until you experience it. The about of people who have reached out to me and so bravely shared their story and their experiences with this same pain will never know how much their words and kindness meant to me. For them to relive their pain so that they can share with me and let me know there will be brighter days ahead has been so meaningful. 

The cries come and go and the emotions are out of control. It’s like being numb but feeling so much pain at the same time. But nothing could prepare me for walking into that doctor’s office waiting room the next day filled with happy pregnant women. I tried to control my tears but it was so hard because I was supposed to be there for a normal 12 week check up.... I was supposed to be happy too! I cannot say enough good things about the staff and nurses there as they quickly took us in a back office to wait until our room was ready so we could have privacy. Once the doctor was ready for us they moved us into our room and we went over what would happen next. I wasn’t sure if my body would naturally do what should happen next since he hasn’t in the past 4 weeks and I knew I could not mentally handle that happening at home so the doctor scheduled us a D&C procedure the next day. I must say that those of you who have experienced this and had it happen naturally you are incredible brave and strong and I’m so very sorry that you had to experience that. I know my procedure and the after was difficult enough.  

So now what?! What happens next? I have no idea what so ever... I know everyone is different. All we know to do now is pick up the pieces the best we can. It’s hard to see your husband in pain and know there is nothing you can do to fix it. All we can do is pray, trust in the Lord, cry and lean on each other! 

I have been so very thankful for our sweet little golden puppy who has helped us more then he will ever know. He literally licks away our tears and loves us unconditionally and I know that when God sent that puppy to us he knew what he was doing! 

Our sweet parents have been so incredibly helpful and nurturing! It cannot be easy seeing their babies hurt and not being able to take the pain away but they are grieving too. 

I want to thank everybody for the flowers, the calls, the messages, the advice and all of the love! It has comes from miles and states away and we feel it tremendously! We could not get through this without you and we appreciate each and every one of you!! Thank you! 

Most importantly I thank God for creating my amazing Husband! He is my rock, my strength, my world! He has held me up when I couldn’t stand and been my voice when I couldn’t speak! I hate that we are having to go through this difficult time together but I know we will only grow stronger together! I love you more than words can describe and I am so very thankful God gave me you! 

We don’t know what tomorrow brings but we trust that God has a special plan for us and we will have a rainbow 🌈 baby one day and we will get to be awesome parents.