Death

Last week was reallllll rough....it was a week of mourning....

for my fat.

Sorry I didn't actually die I might be a little dramatic but it's the closest thing I can imagine to what death feels like. So T H R E E years ago when I was in MUCH better shape a group of us ladies used to take a workout class called Tone & Sculpt I call it Tone & Death because the first class I attended I had to bite down on my t-shirt to keep from vomiting!! It was rough!  Now I've done a P90X, Insanity, T25, Jillian Michaels, Shaun T video, you name it I've struggled through it but nothing compares to Vanessa....our own personal drill sergeant who never leaves home without her violin because she doesn't know the word sympathy and tears actually fuel her!! So anywho Life happened and got busy and that class came to an end and three years went by....some people had babies, some people stayed in the gym, some people went months without the gym (Me) so you know how that goes. Well a few of us had been talking about how much we missed Vanessa's class... I didn't miss the pain but I did miss being in better shape so I was always like "yeah me too" but secretly I couldn't image my big body attempting anything we had once done in Tone & Sculpt. Well one girl sent a message and one thing led to another and next thing I know I am in a group called Tone & Sculpt and we are scheduling when to start again.....except this time we are OUTSIDE which means people other than those with me in this class will witness me dying....and its Florida and there is this thing called humidity so I will be real honest I was NOT excited at all. Excited to see Vanessa of course it had been three years but not excited for her to whip my butt! 

So Tuesday rolls around and Mindy and Kristy are like OMG I'm so excited I cannot wait and I'm just like I can totally wait... I have a million over things I can do besides die today but I sucked it up had me a second pink drink and drove my big behind out to the sports complex.... The whole way I prayed"Please let my magical pink drink make me strong! Please don't let me vomit today! Please don't let there be anybody at the sports complex and most importantly Jesus I don't want to meet you in my sweaty workout clothes....I ain't ready." Well Vanessa had NOT forgotten about those torturous workouts that I hated so much but luckily that hour flew by! Which was a blessing because I don't think I could have gotten any dirtier....I was like a child at the beach covered in sand but unaware of where it came from....One guess would be that my yoga mat was made for a tiny person but I was thankful to still be alive! So Wednesday afternoon rolls around and I think "Damn I aint even sore" (insert eye roll) I should have never let that thought come into my mind because Thursday rolled around like a ton of concrete blocks!!!

So I knew Thursday's class would kick my butt even more than Tuesday and wouldn't you know there was like 18 million more people out at the sports complex than there was on Tuesday... God Bless America I do NOT need an audience. So we warm up then into the HIIT workouts we go (I really could use my high school inhaler for these) then after what seems like a million different plank sets {Insert side note- let it just be known that my wrists and ankles were created for a 50 lb body not mine!!!} it is finally time for yoga! The last 10 minutes are heaven or at least I thought they were because I thought I had been getting "better" at doing yoga...I own a DVD and I've done it like 4 times (practically a pro) but I pictured myself looking a little more graceful than this

Don't ask what "position" this is.... I was probably doing it wrong!! 
Vanessa really does have her work cut out for her!! I am the biggest hot mess of the class as you can imagine! But I am very thankful that Vanessa takes time out of her day to inflict pain on us for the well being of our health!! I know my body will be thanking her in a few months but man I don't like to sweat!


Oh and I failed to mention that on Monday I signed up for a 5K...No I don't mean $5,000 unfortunately I mean 3.1 miles of stupid running in The Great Race for the Florida Forest Festival. You are probably think well dang Jessica you forgot to mention that you were a runner.... no...no....nope... I didn't leave that part out because I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I ran. Now three years ago yes I used to "jog" a lot but never more than 3 miles and I never actually jogged the whole 3 miles but whatever I had cool "runner" shoes and I paid money to be apart of a running group/club so I was kind of a runner. It was for a good cause and I needed a new T-Shirt....that's the easiest way to get one right!?!?!? So I very easily let Kristy talk me into signing up the week of!!!!! Doesn't that sound like a great idea??? So I'm sure you are curious to how much we ran the week leading up to it? NONE!!! Oh yeah it was realllllllllll F U N! But let me add it wasn't just any t-shirt it was a LONG SLEEVE t-shirt!!! 
So Saturday rolls around I get up at 6:30 so I can do my hair and makeup because if I'm gonna die at least I'm gonna "try" to look good doing it!  Then I was like well what do runners eat before a run? Do they even eat? I don't have any bananas so I guess a granola bar will do....that's healthy right? I mean it might have been a chocolate chip chewy bar but it had granola in it therefore "granola bar". So I put on my running best my tight Victoria Secret black Capri pants that are supposed to make me look like a "knockout", my Plexus athletic jacket that held all the goodies in and my neon green/yellow super speedy running shoes... I think they are Brooks I dunno some running dude at Capital City Runners sold them to me like 4 years ago because I might have lead him to believe I was a "runner"....so I at least looked the part!! 

I kept thinking it won't be that bad...I was trying to be positive but I should have known when I forgot my armband that would be the beginning of the end!!  So they blew the horn and off everybody went and at first it wasn't too bad then like 5 seconds later I was like "Ahhhhh man this was a terrible idea.....why did I do this!! I'm tired already" The air was too cold on my lungs and I swear I hadn't made it a 1/4 of a mile before I  had to start walking but I thought that's okay I'll walk/run and still make good time..... haha Well I got winded real quick and when I hit the 1 mile mark there was a pace clock set up and no lie it said 13 minutes..... I thought No hell! That is terrible I don't even wanna run this race no more I am going to call somebody to come get me right now but my big ole body kept hobbling through.... I did think about hanging a right instead of a left after I passed the high school and just going to my parents house but I ain't no quitter! So I made it to the water station where I tasted the best water I had ever had in my life and she so nicely said you are doing a great job you are half way there! But I really wanted to stop and pick up all those cups that had been thrown out.... I know that is what you are supposed to do when you finish your water but I don't like to litter so maybe that slowed me down a little bit too..... over thinking whether or not to throw my cup on the ground with everyone else's.  So then at this point I really couldn't see many people in front of me which is never a good sign but I kept telling myself you aren't the last person (Yet) and you are doing better than everybody else who is still snoozing. With each footstep it got a little harder and my feet got a little bit heavier but luckily I had the sound of clapping following me like a cheering audience!! It was great! It might have been my thighs clapping together but that is beside the point! A nice couple come past me and encouraged me that we were so close and I got this but man oh man was I dying! The worst part was I knew we were getting closer and closer to the stretch that went through the middle of downtown which would also be the route that the Forest Festival Parade would be taking so people would already be set up for that which meant I could not walk!!! AHHHHHHH all I wanted to do was walk!! I had forgotten my sunglasses which also meant I had to make eye contact with all these people which would also be the worst! 

So as I rounded the city park with my tongue dragging the pavement I'm sure, I ran my fingers through my hair and wiped the sweat (or maybe tears) off my face and hit Jefferson street with the awesome encouragement of an older gentlemen who had already finished the race and was coming back to make sure everybody finished... he kept saying you got this and I wanted to say but I really don't...I think this might be my last breathe...and then I smelled those famous Johnson's Bakery doughnuts and I thought is this heaven.... did I die?!? But no I saw like 500 people waiting in line down the sidewalk to get inside and get their doughnuts before the parade started which now meant they were staring at me huffing and puffing down the street but I was sooooo close to the finish line. My sweet friend Tasha even came back for me to help me pick up the pace but at this point my big body was so sore and tired that I literally wobbled crossed the finish line at 42 minutes. 

 When I say I wobbled across I really mean it.... I felt like an 80 year old woman who was circling death! I kept trying to avoid the bright light so luckily I am still here but lawd y'all my body hurt!! I might continue running or might not....Stay tuned!! ;)

Adios Beaches! I'll be Back!
-xoxo