I came...I saw...I contoured...

Who ever invented Makeup.... I hate Y O U!

I mean really it is a LOVE/HATE relationship..... I mean I love that you can hide my puffy allergy eyes and all but man OH man....Why are there so many steps?!!?

 

Like why can't there just be one product?! Why is there a million different products that do so many different things! Seriously I can't even keep up with the steps and most days I get it very very wrong! And just when I think I finally understand the whole contour thing then another trend comes along and then I have to add another 5 minutes into my makeup routine.

 

Sephora & Ulta are H U G E money traps that just suck me in everytime! Ohhh you have the newest hottest eye shadow palette and its on sale for $54....OMG yes put it in the basket! I only end up using like 3 of the 10 colors but man did I get a deal....(Insert eye roll).

 

So I may have watched one makeup tutorial or a thousand over time and everyone is different so I seriously don't have a clue what I am doing. But it is seriously like preparing for battle with my war paint!

 

 

So it starts with clear primer that smells weird and I have no clue what it even does but I figure when you paint your walls you gotta prime them first so I guess same goes for your face. Then comes the most important part the foundation...and God Bless America one wrong color and your face is just ruined! What if I'm not tan all year long or lets be real...am I ever even tan!?! Do you have a summer foundation and then a winter one too? How does that work.....When do you make the switch!? AHHHHHH so many questions! Any who back to the face painting.... so then sometimes the tutorials have you do your eyes next then go back to the concealer but some are like oh no you must conceal before you do eyes.... So most days its just like lets flip a coin and see what is next.

 

The eyebrows seriously stress me out cause mine do whatever the hell they want to. So I know nobody's eyebrows are twin sisters because no two eyebrows are created equally but they are still supposed to be sisters.... heck some days mine don't even look like 1st cousins. Its insane like why are they so different. So after I attempt to get them wild hairs to obey the rules and lay down then I attempt to conceal and highlight this hot mess of a face. One video told me to make triangles under my eyes so ya know if it was on Pinterest then it has to be true!

 

So this is when I start to look like an Indian with war paint and it only gets better when you add in the bronzer. Apparently you bronze the sides of your nose so it makes it look slimmer then highlighter the center. Too bad that trick doesn't work for the rest of the body! ha ha

 

So you put conceal under the eyes, on the chin, on the nose, on the forehead...really you just make a bunch of lines of hope for the best! Then bronze the hell outta everything else. Then comes the shiny glittery highlighter that with one wrong move you will be shining like a disco ball.

 

Then I usually get done with that and realize I forgot all about my eye makeup you know that $54 eye shadow palette that is just the cat's meow.....(insert eye roll) so sometimes I say oh well and just put my mascara on the bottom lashes and  rock out cause I have bomb ass eyelash extensions that changed my life. lol (insert hair flip) No but seriously eye lash extensions are amazing and I don't always wear eye makeup but when I do... I usually forget to use my eye primer that is supposed to make the eye shadow last all day but I don't know if it really works because I never use it. Then I use 2 or 3 colors out of the 10 in that damn palette while using like 100 different brushes cause you gotta have one brush for all over, one brush for the crease, one for the lash line, one for good luck, and one more for shits and giggles because can you really have too many brushes?? The lady at Sephora says of course not and then took all my money.

Now keep that hand steady when applying that eyeliner or you will have to start ALL over again and AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Then I cake that mascara on until those lashes are as black as my soul.

 

Finally you spray a setting spray that Sephora said I had to get. I don't really know if it actually works but it makes my face wet. Then I'm like yassss 18 hours later and I'm ready to take over the world but then I look in the mirror and realize I forgot lip color.... so I spend the next 5 minutes trying to decide if I'm going use the burning stinging Lipsense because it lasts all day (even though it burns the skin off of your lips in the process).... or just use a colored chapstick. Usually the chapstick wins.

 

So it starts out pretty scary

Then some how I end up not so scary but still unsure of what exactly I did to get to this end result.

 



 

 

 But seriously who decided that we should contour our face? They have entirely too much time on their hands! I can't even imagine what the next trend will be....I'm kind of scared! Eeeeekkk! 

 

 

 

"May your foundation match your neck, concealer be creaseless and winged eyeliner be sharp enough to kill....AMEN!"

 

Adios Beaches! I'll be back!

-xoxo